P01
A bag of air for the compressor
Prank Not a real thing.
An air compressor pulls in air from the room and squeezes it. It never runs out.
“The compressor makes its own air. That’s its whole job. I apologized to it.” — Orbit
The field guide · from Orbit’s Errand
Is it a real tool?
Your first week on a crew, somebody sends you for a board stretcher. Your second week, somebody asks for the spudger, and that one is real. Look it up here before you walk anywhere.
Pranks. Not a real thing.
The classic new-guy errands. Each one has sent somebody to the parts counter. Orbit has fallen for more of them than he’d like listed here.
P02
A bag of dial tone
Prank Not a real thing.
A dial tone is the sound a phone line makes to say it’s ready. It can’t be bagged.
“I answer phones for a living. Dial tone doesn’t come in a bag.” — Midnight
P03
A bag of nail holes
Prank Not a real thing.
Nail holes come from nails. Usually the wrong number of them, in the wrong spot.
“You make those yourself, usually in the wrong spot.” — Midnight
P04
A bag of sparks
Prank Not a real thing.
Sparks are hot specks of metal thrown off by grinding or welding. Every shop makes its own.
“The grinder makes those for free.” — Midnight
P05
Batteries for the hand saw
Prank Not a real thing.
A hand saw runs on arm power. Cordless saws take batteries; this isn’t one.
“The hand saw runs on arms.” — Midnight
P06
Blinker fluid
Prank Not a real thing.
Turn signals are electrical: a bulb or LED, a switch and a flasher. Nothing in them needs fluid.
“Turn signals run on electricity. The parts counter laughed for a full minute.” — Midnight
P07
Board stretcher
Prank Not a real thing.
Lumber can’t be stretched. A board cut short gets replaced, or joined to another with a splice.
“If boards stretched, nobody would own a tape measure.” — Midnight
P08
A bucket of prop wash
Prank Not a real thing.
Prop wash is the air a propeller pushes behind it. The errand is an old airfield joke on new ground crew.
“Prop wash is the wind behind a propeller. Good luck with the lid.” — Midnight
P09
Bucket of steam
Prank Not a real thing.
Steam turns back into water as soon as it cools, so a bucket of it is a bucket of warm water.
“Steam doesn’t stay in a bucket. I checked. Twice.” — Orbit
P10
A bucket of volts
Prank Not a real thing.
Voltage is the electrical push between two points. It doesn’t pour.
“If volts sat in buckets, nobody would carry the bucket.” — Midnight
P11
A can of compression
Prank Not a real thing.
Compression is the pressure an engine builds in its cylinders. Low compression means worn rings or valves, not an empty can.
“Compression happens inside an engine. It doesn’t come in a can.” — Midnight
P12
Concrete stretcher
Prank Not a real thing.
Concrete is strong when it’s squeezed and weak when it’s pulled. That’s why it gets rebar, not a stretcher.
“Concrete doesn’t stretch. That’s why it cracks.” — Midnight
P13
Cordless extension cord
Prank Not a real thing.
An extension cord is the cord. Take the cord away and there’s nothing left to extend.
“An extension cord with no cord is just a hope.” — Midnight
P14
Crickets for the roof cricket
Prank Not a real thing.
A roof cricket, also called a saddle, is a small peaked ridge built behind a chimney to steer water around it.
“A roof cricket is real: a little ridge behind a chimney that sheds water. It doesn’t eat anything.” — Midnight
P15
Dehydrated water
Prank Not a real thing.
Water with the water taken out is nothing at all. It does get sold as a gag gift: an empty can.
“The directions said “just add water.” I followed them exactly.” — Orbit
P16
Elbow grease
Prank Not a real thing.
It means hard work. Sending someone to buy it is one of the oldest jokes on any crew.
“Out of stock everywhere. It’s the effort you bring yourself.” — Midnight
P17
Garden-hose stretcher
Prank Not a real thing.
Hoses don’t stretch. You buy a longer one, or join two with a coupling.
“Buy a longer hose. That’s it. That’s the tool.” — Midnight
P18
Grid squares for the graph paper
Prank Not a real thing.
The squares are printed on the paper.
“I counted the squares on the pad. None were missing.” — Orbit
P19
Headlight fluid
Prank Not a real thing.
Headlights are electrical. There is nothing in them to top off.
“I asked for the high-beam kind. Apparently that made it worse.” — Orbit
P20
Hot water for the cold chisel
Prank Not a real thing.
The cold chisel is a real tool, named for cutting cold metal. It never needs warming up.
“The cold chisel is real. It doesn’t need warming up.” — Midnight
P21
A jar of amps
Prank Not a real thing.
Amps measure how much current is flowing. You can’t collect them in a jar.
“I asked for the big jar. The electrician had to sit down.” — Orbit
P22
Left-handed hammer
Prank Not a real thing.
Hammers work the same in either hand. The new hire gets sent to the tool crib or the store to ask for one, and the crew waits for the call.
“Hammers don’t have hands. I came back with two anyway. Midnight has not let it go.” — Orbit
P23
Left-handed screwdriver
Prank Not a real thing.
Screws turn the same way for everyone: clockwise to tighten. The screwdriver doesn’t know which hand is holding it.
“Righty-tighty works for everybody. That’s the whole point.” — Midnight
P24
A long weight
Prank Not a real thing.
Say it out loud: “a long wait.” The counter tells you to wait right there, and the crew counts the minutes.
“Say it out loud. The counter will tell you to wait right there. Then everybody leaves.” — Midnight
P25
A monkey for the monkey wrench
Prank Not a real thing.
The monkey wrench is a real adjustable wrench. Nobody agrees where the name came from, but no monkey is involved.
“The monkey wrench is real. The monkey is a separate department.” — Orbit
P26
Muffler bearings
Prank Not a real thing.
A muffler is a set of chambers and baffles with no moving parts, so it has no bearings.
“Nothing in a muffler spins, so there’s nothing for a bearing to do.” — Midnight
P27
Polka-dot paint
Prank Not a real thing.
Same family as striped and tartan paint. Dots come from a stencil or a steady hand.
“I shook the can for ten minutes waiting for the dots to show up.” — Orbit
P28
A round square
Prank Not a real thing.
A square is about corners. A speed square is a triangle and a framing square is an L.
“A speed square is a triangle, and that’s already confusing enough.” — Midnight
P29
Smoke shifter
Prank Not a real thing.
An old campsite and army prank. Smoke goes wherever the air moves it.
“A smoke shifter is called a window.” — Orbit
P30
Spare holes for the pegboard
Prank Not a real thing.
Pegboard comes with its holes already drilled.
“The pegboard came with all the holes it will ever need.” — Midnight
P31
A squirrel for the squirrel-cage fan
Prank Not a real thing.
A squirrel-cage fan is a real blower wheel, shaped like a hamster wheel, inside furnaces and air handlers. No animal is included.
“A squirrel-cage fan is real. There is no squirrel. I was so disappointed.” — Orbit
P32
Striped paint
Prank Not a real thing.
Paint comes one color to a can. Stripes are made with masking tape and two coats.
“Stripes come from tape and patience, not from the can.” — Midnight
P33
Tartan paint
Prank Not a real thing.
The plaid version of the striped-paint errand, a favorite on British job sites.
“Somewhere a hardware clerk is still laughing about this one.” — Midnight
P34
Wire for the wireless
Prank Not a real thing.
Wireless means no wire. That’s the whole idea.
“I was halfway to the parts counter before Midnight started laughing.” — Orbit
Real tools. Somehow.
Every one of these is real, under the name the trade really calls it. Midnight checks them. If we got one wrong, tell us on Instagram and the fix goes on the log.
R01
Aviation snips
Real Sheet metal
Compound-lever shears for sheet metal. Red handles cut curves to the left, green to the right, yellow straight.
R02
Banjo
Real Drywall
A taping tool that coats drywall tape with mud as you pull it out. It does look a little like a banjo.
R03
Basin wrench
Real Plumbing
A long wrench with a swiveling jaw for the nuts up behind a sink, where nothing else reaches.
R04
Bastard file
Real Metalwork
A real grade of file: finer than a coarse file, coarser than a second cut. The name is centuries old.
R05
Bazooka
Real Drywall
An automatic taper: lays tape and mud on a drywall seam in one pass.
R06
Bolster
Real Masonry
A chisel with a wide blade for cutting bricks and blocks clean.
R07
Bull float
Real Concrete
A wide, flat float on a long handle for smoothing a fresh concrete slab you can’t reach across.
R08
Cat’s paw
Real Carpentry
A small pry bar with a curved claw you drive under a nail head to dig the nail out.
R09
Chalk line
Real Carpentry
A string in a box of powdered chalk. Pull it tight, snap it, and you get a long straight line.
R10
Cheater bar
Real General
A length of pipe slipped over a wrench handle for extra leverage. Wrench makers would rather you didn’t.
R11
Cold chisel
Real Metalwork
A hardened chisel for cutting metal, bolts and rivets. “Cold” means the metal isn’t heated first.
R12
Come-along
Real General
A hand-cranked ratchet winch for pulling something heavy a few feet at a time.
R13
Conduit mouse
Real Electrical
A foam plug you blow or vacuum through conduit, pulling a string along behind it.
R14
Coping saw
Real Carpentry
A thin blade in a deep U-shaped frame for cutting curves, like where two pieces of trim meet in a corner.
R15
Corner bead clincher
Real Drywall
You set it on the metal corner bead and hit it with a mallet to crimp the bead onto the corner.
R16
Cripple stud
Real Framing
A short stud above a header or below a window sill. It’s doing its best.
R17
Crowfoot wrench
Real Mechanics
An open-end wrench head with no handle. It goes on a ratchet extension to reach nuts a socket can’t.
R18
Darby
Real Plaster
A long, flat float for leveling plaster or fresh concrete.
R19
Dead blow hammer
Real Mechanics
A hammer with a head full of shot or sand, so it lands hard and doesn’t bounce back.
R20
Deadman
Real Drywall
A T-shaped prop that holds a sheet of drywall against the ceiling while you screw it up.
R21
Dikes
Real Electrical
Diagonal cutting pliers. There’s a pair in every electrician’s pouch.
R22
Drain snake
Real Plumbing
A coiled steel cable you crank into a drain to break up or pull out a clog.
R23
Dutchman
Real Woodworking
A patch of new wood or stone set into the old to hide a defect or a repair.
R24
Fid
Real Rigging
A tapered spike that opens up the strands of a rope so you can splice it.
R25
Fish sticks
Real Electrical
Snap-together fiberglass rods for pushing wire through walls and ceilings. Some glow in the dark.
R26
Fish tape
Real Electrical
A long steel or fiberglass ribbon on a reel. Push it through the conduit, hook the wires on, and pull them back.
R27
Flaring tool
Real HVAC
Spreads the end of copper tubing into a cone so a flare fitting can seal on it.
R28
Forstner bit
Real Woodworking
A drill bit that bores clean, flat-bottomed holes, like the round pockets for cabinet hinges.
R29
Gear puller
Real Mechanics
Jaws and a center screw that pull a gear, pulley or bearing off its shaft.
R30
Hawk
Real Drywall
A flat square board with a handle underneath that holds a pile of mud or plaster while you trowel it on.
R31
Hickey
Real Electrical
A hand bender for putting bends in rigid conduit. Yes, electricians really call it that.
R32
Hog ring pliers
Real Upholstery
Pliers that close small C-shaped rings. Used on seat covers, fencing and cages.
R33
Hot mud
Real Drywall
Setting-type joint compound. It hardens by chemical reaction, and the bag says how many minutes you have.
R34
Hot stick
Real Utility
An insulated fiberglass pole linemen use to work on energized lines from a safe distance.
R35
Hurricane tie
Real Framing
A metal connector that ties the rafters down to the wall, so the roof stays put in high wind.
R36
Jitterbug
Real Concrete
Shop slang for two real tools: a grate tamper for fresh concrete and a vibrating palm sander.
R37
Jointer
Real Masonry
Two real tools: a masonry tool that shapes mortar joints and a woodworking machine that flattens boards.
R38
Knee kicker
Real Flooring
A padded tool you bump with your knee to stretch carpet onto the tack strip.
R39
Knockout punch
Real Electrical
Cuts clean round holes in steel boxes and panels for conduit fittings.
R40
Line level
Real Masonry
A tiny level that hangs on a tight string, for checking level over long distances.
R41
Manifold gauges
Real HVAC
A set of pressure gauges and valves for reading and charging a refrigerant system.
R42
Molly bolt
Real General
A hollow-wall anchor whose sleeve spreads out behind the drywall when you tighten it.
R43
Monkey wrench
Real Plumbing
An old-style adjustable wrench with smooth, flat jaws.
R44
Mud pan
Real Drywall
A long, narrow pan that holds joint compound so you can load your knife with one swipe.
R45
Mud ring
Real Electrical
A ring on the front of an electrical box that sets the device flush with the finished wall.
R46
Nail set
Real Carpentry
A small punch that sinks a finish nail just below the surface so you can fill the hole.
R47
Nibbler
Real Sheet metal
Cuts sheet metal by biting out tiny pieces, so it can turn tight curves without bending the sheet.
R48
Pickle fork
Real Auto
A forked wedge you hammer in to pop a ball joint apart.
R49
Pipe dope
Real Plumbing
Thread-sealing paste you brush on pipe threads so the joint doesn’t leak.
R50
Plumb bob
Real Carpentry
A pointed weight on a string. Gravity points it straight down, so you can find true vertical.
R51
Plumber’s putty
Real Plumbing
Soft, moldable sealant pressed under sink drains and faucet bases.
R52
Rat-tail file
Real Metalwork
A round, tapered file for opening up holes and smoothing inside curves.
R53
Reamer
Real Plumbing
Cleans the burr off the inside of a freshly cut pipe so water or wire passes through smooth.
R54
Scratch awl
Real Woodworking
A pointed steel spike for scribing lines and starting screw holes.
R55
Screw extractor
Real General
A reverse-threaded bit that bites into a stripped or broken screw so you can back it out.
R56
Seam roller
Real Flooring
A star-wheel roller that presses two pieces of carpet together while the seam tape’s glue sets.
R57
Slide hammer
Real Auto
A weight that slides along a shaft and slams into a stop, pulling out dents, bearings and axles.
R58
Smurf tube
Real Electrical
Trade slang for blue flexible plastic conduit (ENT).
R59
Speed square
Real Carpentry
A triangle of aluminum for marking square cuts and roof angles.
R60
Spudger
Real Low voltage
A non-marring pry stick for opening devices and pushing small wires into place without scratching anything.
R61
Stillson wrench
Real Plumbing
The original pipe wrench, patented by Daniel Stillson in 1869.
R62
Story pole
Real Carpentry
A board marked with every height you need, so you measure once and copy the marks all the way around.
R63
Strap wrench
Real Plumbing
Grips with a rubber or nylon strap, so it turns pipe and filters without chewing them up.
R64
Tack strip
Real Flooring
A wood strip full of angled tacks around the room’s edge that grips the carpet.
R65
Tap and die
Real Metalwork
A tap cuts threads inside a hole. A die cuts them on the outside of a rod.
R66
Toe-kick saw
Real Flooring
A saw that cuts old flooring flush with the base of the cabinets, under the toe kick.
R67
Toilet auger
Real Plumbing
A crank-driven cable in a bent tube that reaches through a toilet’s trap without scratching the bowl.
R68
Tuckpointing trowel
Real Masonry
A narrow trowel for packing fresh mortar into old brick joints.
Think you can tell them apart cold?
Every morning the crew sends Orbit for seven of these. Stamp each one real or prank before he walks into the hardware store.